Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles
by Queen Snek
Summary: The crack-y tales of the favorite BroTP of the Caesar's Palace forum.
1. Vacation

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragon MoonX's internet persona.**

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

Dragon was sitting at her computer staring at the screen. She had already posted her scheduled fanfic updates and no random plot bunnies were itching to be written. Her usual forums had only a little bit less activity than usual, but the internet just felt somehow empty without Lamia's posts.

 _It's a **good** thing_ , she reminded herself, _that Lamia is somewhere with no internet access right now._ _She needs to get away from those video games and relax once in a while!_

Then she had an idea for a crackfic about Dobby licking edible glitter off Lucius Malfoy's chest and opened the typing program on her tablet to write it down before she lost her train of thought. She was just putting the finishing touches on it when her phone rang.

"Who would be calling me at this time of the night?" she said to No One.

"Fuck if I know," No One replied.

"Well, you're no help!" Dragon exclaimed, and then answered the phone because having conversations with No One was not helpful at all. "Hello?"

"Hello!" No One chirped back.

"Shut up, I'm on the phone," Dragon hissed.

"Dragonnnnnnn..." Lamia's voice whined from the phone's speaker. "I need a vacation from my vacation."

Dragon was then treated a long rant on how road trips sucked, hotels sucked, and going anywhere with your family was most definitely _for the lose_.

~to (possibly) be continued~

 **A/N:** This chapter was written for Caesar's Place Shipping Week (Valentine's 2016) Day 3, prompt: an overdue vacation.

Also Dragon actually wrote that fic I mentioned. It's one of the chapters in her Dark Humor collection.


	2. A Tour of Hell

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

"Go to Hell!" yelled the random troll that our lovely heroines were having an argument with.

" 'kay, bye," Lamia replied. She grabbed Dragon's hand/paw-thing and they disappeared in a flash of fire, leaving Sir Trollington the 16th utterly confounded.

"Um... Lamia, where are we?" Dragon asked, looking around the unfamiliar scene. She didn't bother to ask about the odd mode of transportation. Lamia was always picking up weird magic spells and one-time-use magic items from all the different fandoms she visited.

"That should be obvious," Lamia replied.

"Well, it's not," her interlocutor replied, staring as various anime and video game characters walked by wearing clothing that was in most cases a far cry from their canon outfits. "Clue me in, please."

"It's Hell!"

"... Hell looks a lot like a high school AU."

"Yep~" Lamia said, making a popping sound with her lips on the 'p'. "Want a tour of the eternal torments?"

"Sure, that sounds fun."

"Over here is the sarchasm. You don't want to fall in there."

"It's a chasm... of sarcasm?" Dragon asked, intrigued. "And it's a pun, so it must be one of your favorites."

"You know me too well, my friend. And over there is the floor which looks dry but actually has very shallow puddles so your socks will definitely get wet, and on your left is the door to the bathrooms where one toilet always has a mess on the seat, one is always about to overflow, and the only one in perfect working order is always being used by someone else already anytime you have to go."

"What's over there?" Dragon asked, pointing off into the distance beyond the school grounds.

"The pits of whatever the hell."

"Hmm. Goes well with the sarchasm. Any other notable features?"

"Just the cell tower which provides the most inconsistent and inconvenient phone/wi-fi signal ever. The computers also have spellcheck which never ever brings up anything even remotely related to the word you were trying to spell, even if all the letters were there, just in the wrong order..."

"That's really evil, Lamia... like super evil. Even for you."

~oOo~

Caesar's Palace Quotes challenge, prompt: "The pits of whatever the hell."

The sarchasm is something I saw in a webcomic once. I forget who the creator of it was. (And, yes, I'm too lazy to google it.)


	3. I'ma Slither

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

"I am currently banned from 62 planets, 15 moons and a space station that looks like a pineapple. None of which is my fault."

Dragon wasn't sure whether Lamia was bragging or complaining. Sometimes it was hard to tell with that creature.

"Well," Dragon replied. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you're a giant star-devouring space snake."

Lamia pondered this revelation for a moment.

"Nahhh, man," she said. "I only eat the little ones that no one was even using! Someone has to keep the universe from expanding into infinity. That's what us giant star-devouring space snakes are for!"

Dragon sighed heavily. (And a little bit of fire came out, but Lamia tactfully chose to pretend she hadn't noticed that rather rude bodily function.)

"Lamia," said Dragon. "Have you considered that _maybe people don't like it_ when giant star-devouring space snakes crawl up around things they are not supposed to be devouring?"

"Snakes don't crawl! They slither!"

"... and that's what you took away from what I'm trying to tell you?"

"Then, to answer your question: no. No, I had not considered that at all."

"And now that you've considered it..."

"I'MA SLITHER WHERE I WANNA SLITHER. Except places I'm banned from, because the invisible force-fields keep me out."

~oOo~

A/N: I have been playing too much slitherio.

Caesar's Palace Quotes challenge, prompt: "I am currently banned from 62 planets, 15 moons and a space station that looks like a pineapple. None of which is my fault."


	4. The Fourth Wall Has Long Since Collapsed

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

"Wow, I never expected to be the subject of such a fierce battle in the forum Ship Wars," Lamia said to Dragon as they backlogged the Caesar's Palace chat thread.

"It's crazy," Dragon agreed. "But kind of exciting!"

" _Scaletails is best ship_ ," Lamia whispered.

"EXCUSE YOU! DRAGONIA DARK MOON IS BEST SHIP!" Dragon roared, unleashing a torrent of flame.

"I thought we were just a friend-ship," Lamia whimpered as she hid under a rock to shield herself from becoming snakey bacon.

"Um, hello?" came a new voice, as Rosa the blue rose suddenly sprouted from a previously-empty flowerpot in the middle of the room.

 _Why did we even have that there?_ Lamia wondered.

"Three Dark Queens is obviously the best ship!" She paused, raising a thorny tendril to the mouth-like part of her petals. "Or maybe it's GnurrRoo."

"GUYS. I mean ladies. Whatever gender and species y'all are. ARE WE SERIOUSLY SHIPPING FICTIONAL LAWN ORNAMENTS NOW?"

"Well, Lamia... I mean. That ship is, like, at least half your fault."

~oOo~

Caesar's Palace Shipping Week (Summer 2016), Day 7. no prompt.


	5. 10 Reasons

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

"TEN REASONS LAMIA IS GOING TO FINISH THIS DAMN CHALLENGE," Dragon roared at the snake monster demon lady who was staring listlessly (pun intended) at her computer screen. "ONE: Snek can DO IT."

"Well," Lamia responded. "I mean. Yes, technically, it's possible that I could, but-"

Dragon cut off her protest, "TWO: Snek doesn't want to disappoint da mermaid!"

"True."

"THREE: Snek wants DEM PRIZES."

"Yeah, I can't even get the giftfic if I don't finish level ten, and Chelle already had me tell her what I wanted so she could start working on it..."

"FOUR: There is no four!"

"That... that's not even our meme."

"Dragong don't give a flying fart whose meme it is."

"But... you weren't even a part of the site where that was a meme... how did you even know it...?"

"Nevermind that! FIVE: Dragong is going to beat Snek's muse with a stick like it's a god damn piñata if that's what it takes to make ideas fall out!"

"... wait, what?!"

"You heard me! SIX: Dragong believes in Snek. Smiley face."

"Aww. Your faith in Snek is making me blush! But why did you say 'smiley face'?"

"Because I'm speaking, not typing. If I was typing I would have put a smiley face emoji after that."

"Tilde, heart, tilde, music note, smiley face," replied Lamia, cackling.

"SEVEN: To prove to anyone who thinks you won't finish it that they're wrong!"

"That is, like, my 82nd-favorite thing to do."

"EIGHT: You words good."

"I... sometimes. I mean. Like, half the stuff I write on a rushed deadline is a steaming pile of crap."

"One monster's crap is some toilet's treasure!"

"That's not a real proverb. You're making shit up."

"NINE: YOU CAN DO IT!"

"Now you're starting to repeat yourself."

"It's alright, the list is almost over anyway."

"Ooh, I wonder what the final reason is..."

"TEN: BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

"That's not even a reason..."

"It is if I say it is!"

"I don't have to listen to you! You're not my real dad!"

"What is that reference even from? AND YES, GO WRITE." Dragon held up a long wooden stick and waved it menacingly. "Don't make me use this."

"Ha ha..." the snake monster laughed weakly as she slumped over her keyboard.

~oOo~


	6. Why We Ain't Friends No More

~ Dragonia Dark Moon Chronicles ~

"Awwww yissssss," Dragon said to herself, as she chose a prompt for the next Shipping Week. "Anteater is the BEST. PROMPT. EVER!"

"Dragon, what the ever-living _fuck_ ," hissed Lamia. "That prompt is bad and you should _feel_ bad."

"It's a good prompt, though!" Dragon argued.

"There is nothing good about it! It's useless and terrible!"

"Whay are you being so mean to me?" Dragon asked, as tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. "There are so many things you can do with that prompt!" She proceeded to give examples.

"Those are all cracky and irrelevant to anyone on the forum's fandoms!" Lamia snapped. "That's it. I've had it! I officially declare use mortal enemies!"

"Can't we still be friends?" Dragon asked, her tears nearly overflowing.

Lamia tore off the friendship bracelet that Dragon had made for her and threw it on the ground, then slapped the end of her tail down on it in an approximation of an angry stomp.

Dragon sobbed uncontrollably.

"I just love anteaters so much!"

"Then go be best friends with one!"

~oOo~

 **A/N:** This chapter is for the 7th day of Caesar's Palace Shipping Week (Valentine's 2018). There was no prompt.


End file.
